What I Wish Someone Told Me During My First Miscarriage

This may be the permission slip you need while navigating loss.

You never think it will happen to you… until it does.

Maybe it’s once, maybe it’s multiple times. For me, over the last 18 months, it’s been three. I never imagined we’d walk through grief like this, and yet here we are.

I know there are other moms navigating similar, if not even more unimaginable losses. And if that’s you, I want to hand you the permission slip I wish I had during my first miscarriage.

Let's dive in

Good Quality Care Matters More Than You Think

Finding a good care team totally transforms how you feel during loss. And when I say “care team,” I don’t just mean one doctor. I mean adding as many people as you need to feel cared for, seen, and valued in such a vulnerable season.

And let me be blunt: if you are not feeling heard, it is absolutely okay to get a new provider—even in the middle of loss. I wish I had done that so much sooner.

This time, I’ve been with a new OBGYN whose compassion has blown me away. She offers options, respects my voice, and makes sure I feel cared for mentally and physically. Alongside her, I’ve also been working with a functional practitioner online, who's been caring for me for the last year. Having both perspectives has given me a more complete picture of what my body needs in this season.

Most of the time, traditional care gives us the bare minimum, and while it’s easy to blame the provider, part of the journey is advocating for ourselves, for how we want to feel and be supported. Ask the questions. Craft your team. Build the kind of care you need, not just what’s handed to you.

Treat This as a Postpartum Season

Here’s something no one told me: miscarriage is still postpartum.

A typical pregnancy may last 38–40 weeks, but whether you carried for a few weeks or a few months, your body still shifted, your hormones still changed, and your heart still carried life.

That means your body needs tender nourishment and replenishment just as much as if you had carried to term. Healing takes time. For some women, that’s a week or two. For others, it’s the full six weeks.

Give yourself permission to not rush through this season. Nourish your body with good food, quality supplements, and minerals. Let your body do the work of repair. Just as importantly allow the space for your heart and mind have time to heal too.

You’re Not Weak for Needing Help

I used to think needing help was weakness. But the truth is, asking for help is wisdom.

Day to day life doesn’t stop when you’re grieving, but your mood, energy, and emotions are shifting constantly. You don’t always know what to expect, and trying to carry it all alone only compounds the weight.

Whether it’s asking a friend to drop off dinner, letting your mom take the kids for a few hours, or giving yourself permission to rest while your spouse picks up the pieces, you are not failing. You are healing. And healing takes help and time.

A Final Word of Permission

If you’re walking through loss, please know this: you don’t have to “get over it” quickly. You don’t have to minimize it. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay.

Your body needs care. Your heart needs gentleness. And you deserve both.

This journey has been the hardest grief I’ve known, but also one of the most refining. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: you are not alone, and you are worthy of the care and compassion you need in this season.

As these next few weeks are fragile take the time to advocate for yourself, to love on yourself, to spend the time giving yourself permission slips to not be ok right now. You will never full get over this but you can heal you can physically get better and mentally become a little bit stronger.

My heart aches for you friend 🤍

With Love,

Ashley